the aha moment

We have been living with my grandparents since about new years.  There have been many ups and downs.  I appreciate all the help they have given us during our stay, and we have done much that we set out to do. We have greatly reduced our debt.  To the tune that we are negative $50+ dollars in our bank account right now, but once get get positive again (next Wednesday) we can cross another creditor off our list.  Yay!!

We had planned to finish the basement apartment below my grandparents house.  However, in the close to 9 months we have been her so much has changed.  My husbands uncle died in early March, and a couple weeks later my grandma got diagnosed with lung cancer.  My grandma. My rock. My everything for so long.  Cancer.  She did radiation, and some chemo.  The tumor has shrunk.  We are waiting to hear if the chemo killed it or if it just shrunk it.  You'd never know she was/is sick.  She continued doing everything she did before.  She is incredible.

Well somewhere along the way the Mister and I decided we didn't want to live here indefinitely.  We can't do some of the things we thought we could. Things that are very important to us. Garden organically.  Cloth diaper.  Live without being told everything we do/think is wrong. 

My grandfather decided that he didn't want to build the apartment either with all the things that are going on, and I understand and respect that.  Plus it got me out of telling him we dont want to live in it anyway.  Score. 

Before we moved up here almost everyone in my family told us it was a bad idea.  They were right and I admit it.  My brother lived up her for two years before we moved in, and I can see the same ugly pattern emerging with our stay.  Nothing is good enough for grandpa.  Nothing.  I can do something the same way twice, and just because its right the first time doesn't guarantee it will be the second time.

But I've had an epiphany.  I don't have to try to please him.  It feels so good to say that, and boy does it take off the pressure.  I don't need or want his approval.  Up until this point, I wanted that so very much.

I am just going to attempt to do my best, and not let him get under my skin until we move out.  When will that be?  Where will that be?  I can't say right now.  But I'm just going to put one foot in front of the other, and know we will get there eventually.  

Not pregnant

The test this morning was negative.  My Bbt was still up so I know I'm not going to start bleeding today, but uh.  I feel so hollow in my chest.  It aches.  I feel like I lost a baby.  I just feel like the world is spinning around me.  I feel sick.  Then there is this tiny glimmer of me hoping the test will be wrong, and I am pregnant.  I think we need to really start our paleo diet.  I want to start trying to run.  I want all the thoughts in my head to stop.  Conflicting things.  We want a house, we need to make more money.  I want to start meditating.  Trying to breathe here.  I just want to run away.  This makes me question what I want to do with my life.  I think of everything in catastrophic ways.  What if I can't get pregnant, ever.  Sometimes I just want to jump out of my skin.  I feel so guilty. 

For now my goal will be simply to put one foot in front of the other. 

Pregnancy?

Okay...so its been quite some time since I posted here.  There has been a lot of stuff going on since the last post in the end of March.  I didn't do all the things I set out to in that post.  I got my period in April (on my birthday).  So this month I got the book Taking Charge of Your Fertility.  Somewhat of a birthday present.  Ha Ha!  I started taking my Basal Body Temperature, and I got an ovulation prediction kit.  So we definitely did the baby dance on all the right days.  Enter the 2 week wait.  My period is due to arrive this Thursday May 24th. 

Now, I've had a good feeling about this month.  I've had a small amount of nausea.  It comes and goes, but haven't felt any in the past few days.  I've  been craving guacamole and blue cheese.  Then I drop of the peanut with my dad and step-mom on Saturday night, and almost before I get in her door she asks if I'm pregnant.  So I tell her about how I don't know yet, but have a good feeling about this month.  She tells me she thinks I am and it's a girl!  Then later that night my mom asks me if I've been "feeling" anything.  Yesterday my friend who knows we have been trying asks me how its going.  It's all too much for me.  I decide I can't wait any longer to test.  I tell my friend and my step-mom I'm going to test in the morning.  I'll let them know how it goes.

So, I go to the store.  Get the least expensive box, with 3 tests!  Are you guessing where I'm going with this?  Cheaper in not better in some situations, and this may be one of them.  I decide the test as soon as I get home.  I mean I have 3 test, right?!  Oh, man.  At first it looks like its negative.  Then I noticed a super faint pink line!!  I think, yay!!!!! I'm pregnant.  I'm excited,  in a good mood, don't feel tired at all because, I'M PREGNANT!!  I assume the faint line is because I tested at night.  I'll get the nice dark line in the morning.      

7am:  I can't wait anymore I want that dark sure positive.  I take the stick and dip it in my pee.  It looks negative.  Uh.  Wait, wait!  It look just like the one last night...I guess only time will tell.

I tried to upload a picture of the tests, but the lines don't even show up on the picture.  Oh well.

Anyone else have a super light positive turn into a baby?  I'd love to hear about it! 

The Pregnancy Plan

Conceiving the peanut was easy.  The first month we "tried" we got the BFP.  My cycle was so regular then.  It was like clockwork, so when I woke up and didn't have my period, I just knew. 

This time it's WAY different.  My cycles aren't as regular.  They are averaging 31 days.  I have been under a lot of stress.  I know I'm thinking about it way too much.  Part of that is just my personality, but I know I need to tone it down. Stress can totally mess with your cycle. I had an IUD in for close to a year, and had it removed in July of last year.  I keep thinking that has something to do with this.    


So this is the plan for this month:

Wean off coffee, sugar, processed carbs.

Drink green tea in the am and raspberry leaf tea in the pm.

Continue with the ACV with honey.

Vitex elixir 2-3 times a day until ovulation, which I think will be April 9th.  I'm going to take it until the 12th, because that is the latest date I got I might ovulate based on one of the million calendars I used.

Take B6 morning and evening, and a time released b-complex in the morning.

I'm going to really focus on relaxing, and am going to make a effort to get 9ish hours of sleep on most nights.  I'm going to take naps on the days I don't need to be anywhere.

I'm going to check my cervical mucus everyday.  Not sure when the best time to do that is...Google here I come!  First thing in the morning according to Babycenter.

Drink lots of water, and get out of the house for a good walk everyday barring any rain.  Its supposed to rain all week here.  

 Just did a little reading about macca powder and I might try that as well. 

Mostly, I think I just need to have fun with the Mister!  ;)

Baby Dust to all that need!!

Paleo Dinner 2/27/12

We are trying something new.  Paleo. Don't know what that means?  Essentially you only eat meat, veggies, fruit, seeds and nuts.  I'm doing some reading on in and how to blog more when I know more about what I'm talking about!  Tonight for dinner I made ground turkey and a bunch of veggies. 
Here are the veggies I used:

First I sauteed The onions and the bell peppers in coconut oil

Then I added the zucchini

Lastly I added the mushrooms

At this point I added maybe a tsp of salt ans some fresh ground black pepper.  I didn't measure any of the veggies.  It was just what I had laying around.  

Once everything got soft and the onions were translucent I cooked the package of turkey in a smaller skillet.  I seasoned it with

• red pepper flakes
• garlic powder
• onion powder
• cumin
• Italian seasoning
• a mortons salt blend

I just did all those to taste.  I never measure.  I added the turkey to the veggies, and turned it on low while I made my green bean side dish.  I also added fresh garlic at this point.  We love garlic.  A lot.

On to the green beans...I sauteed them in Coconut Oil for a few minutes.  Then I added some soy sauce, sesame seeds, mirin and cooking sake.  Then I added everyone's favorite....Sriracha aka Rooster Sauce.  I let it all reduce until it got nice and thick.  SOOO good.

I know some of the ingredients are not in the least bit paleo.  Its a work in progress.  This was the first time Ive cooked turkey in close to a year.

Paleo breakfast

My first attempt.  Sauteed shrooms.  Omelet with spinach, onion, bell pepper
Everything sauteed in bacon grease or coconut oil. Bacon for me, Ham steak for the Mister. Topped with avocado and salsa. Mmmhmm.

Mamatography: Week 7 2/8-2/14

I'm behind...again.  We had some friend over when I normally do this last week.  I'm going to make this one quick.

This is her first milkshake.  She was being very...spirited on this lunch outing with great grandma.

This was out super quick IKEA trip.  We got the peanut a potty.  She picked this outfit out herself.  

Reading before bed.

Funny fortunes in the cookies.  

 Sharing Ice Cream with daddy.

Celebrating GREAT GREAT Grandma's 100th Birthday!!!!!!