Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Not pregnant

The test this morning was negative.  My Bbt was still up so I know I'm not going to start bleeding today, but uh.  I feel so hollow in my chest.  It aches.  I feel like I lost a baby.  I just feel like the world is spinning around me.  I feel sick.  Then there is this tiny glimmer of me hoping the test will be wrong, and I am pregnant.  I think we need to really start our paleo diet.  I want to start trying to run.  I want all the thoughts in my head to stop.  Conflicting things.  We want a house, we need to make more money.  I want to start meditating.  Trying to breathe here.  I just want to run away.  This makes me question what I want to do with my life.  I think of everything in catastrophic ways.  What if I can't get pregnant, ever.  Sometimes I just want to jump out of my skin.  I feel so guilty. 

For now my goal will be simply to put one foot in front of the other. 

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Pregnancy? its been quite some time since I posted here.  There has been a lot of stuff going on since the last post in the end of March.  I didn't do all the things I set out to in that post.  I got my period in April (on my birthday).  So this month I got the book Taking Charge of Your Fertility.  Somewhat of a birthday present.  Ha Ha!  I started taking my Basal Body Temperature, and I got an ovulation prediction kit.  So we definitely did the baby dance on all the right days.  Enter the 2 week wait.  My period is due to arrive this Thursday May 24th. 

Now, I've had a good feeling about this month.  I've had a small amount of nausea.  It comes and goes, but haven't felt any in the past few days.  I've  been craving guacamole and blue cheese.  Then I drop of the peanut with my dad and step-mom on Saturday night, and almost before I get in her door she asks if I'm pregnant.  So I tell her about how I don't know yet, but have a good feeling about this month.  She tells me she thinks I am and it's a girl!  Then later that night my mom asks me if I've been "feeling" anything.  Yesterday my friend who knows we have been trying asks me how its going.  It's all too much for me.  I decide I can't wait any longer to test.  I tell my friend and my step-mom I'm going to test in the morning.  I'll let them know how it goes.

So, I go to the store.  Get the least expensive box, with 3 tests!  Are you guessing where I'm going with this?  Cheaper in not better in some situations, and this may be one of them.  I decide the test as soon as I get home.  I mean I have 3 test, right?!  Oh, man.  At first it looks like its negative.  Then I noticed a super faint pink line!!  I think, yay!!!!! I'm pregnant.  I'm excited,  in a good mood, don't feel tired at all because, I'M PREGNANT!!  I assume the faint line is because I tested at night.  I'll get the nice dark line in the morning.      

7am:  I can't wait anymore I want that dark sure positive.  I take the stick and dip it in my pee.  It looks negative.  Uh.  Wait, wait!  It look just like the one last night...I guess only time will tell.

I tried to upload a picture of the tests, but the lines don't even show up on the picture.  Oh well.

Anyone else have a super light positive turn into a baby?  I'd love to hear about it!