the aha moment

We have been living with my grandparents since about new years.  There have been many ups and downs.  I appreciate all the help they have given us during our stay, and we have done much that we set out to do. We have greatly reduced our debt.  To the tune that we are negative $50+ dollars in our bank account right now, but once get get positive again (next Wednesday) we can cross another creditor off our list.  Yay!!

We had planned to finish the basement apartment below my grandparents house.  However, in the close to 9 months we have been her so much has changed.  My husbands uncle died in early March, and a couple weeks later my grandma got diagnosed with lung cancer.  My grandma. My rock. My everything for so long.  Cancer.  She did radiation, and some chemo.  The tumor has shrunk.  We are waiting to hear if the chemo killed it or if it just shrunk it.  You'd never know she was/is sick.  She continued doing everything she did before.  She is incredible.

Well somewhere along the way the Mister and I decided we didn't want to live here indefinitely.  We can't do some of the things we thought we could. Things that are very important to us. Garden organically.  Cloth diaper.  Live without being told everything we do/think is wrong. 

My grandfather decided that he didn't want to build the apartment either with all the things that are going on, and I understand and respect that.  Plus it got me out of telling him we dont want to live in it anyway.  Score. 

Before we moved up here almost everyone in my family told us it was a bad idea.  They were right and I admit it.  My brother lived up her for two years before we moved in, and I can see the same ugly pattern emerging with our stay.  Nothing is good enough for grandpa.  Nothing.  I can do something the same way twice, and just because its right the first time doesn't guarantee it will be the second time.

But I've had an epiphany.  I don't have to try to please him.  It feels so good to say that, and boy does it take off the pressure.  I don't need or want his approval.  Up until this point, I wanted that so very much.

I am just going to attempt to do my best, and not let him get under my skin until we move out.  When will that be?  Where will that be?  I can't say right now.  But I'm just going to put one foot in front of the other, and know we will get there eventually.