Not pregnant

The test this morning was negative.  My Bbt was still up so I know I'm not going to start bleeding today, but uh.  I feel so hollow in my chest.  It aches.  I feel like I lost a baby.  I just feel like the world is spinning around me.  I feel sick.  Then there is this tiny glimmer of me hoping the test will be wrong, and I am pregnant.  I think we need to really start our paleo diet.  I want to start trying to run.  I want all the thoughts in my head to stop.  Conflicting things.  We want a house, we need to make more money.  I want to start meditating.  Trying to breathe here.  I just want to run away.  This makes me question what I want to do with my life.  I think of everything in catastrophic ways.  What if I can't get pregnant, ever.  Sometimes I just want to jump out of my skin.  I feel so guilty. 

For now my goal will be simply to put one foot in front of the other. 

The Pregnancy Plan

Conceiving the peanut was easy.  The first month we "tried" we got the BFP.  My cycle was so regular then.  It was like clockwork, so when I woke up and didn't have my period, I just knew. 

This time it's WAY different.  My cycles aren't as regular.  They are averaging 31 days.  I have been under a lot of stress.  I know I'm thinking about it way too much.  Part of that is just my personality, but I know I need to tone it down. Stress can totally mess with your cycle. I had an IUD in for close to a year, and had it removed in July of last year.  I keep thinking that has something to do with this.    


So this is the plan for this month:

Wean off coffee, sugar, processed carbs.

Drink green tea in the am and raspberry leaf tea in the pm.

Continue with the ACV with honey.

Vitex elixir 2-3 times a day until ovulation, which I think will be April 9th.  I'm going to take it until the 12th, because that is the latest date I got I might ovulate based on one of the million calendars I used.

Take B6 morning and evening, and a time released b-complex in the morning.

I'm going to really focus on relaxing, and am going to make a effort to get 9ish hours of sleep on most nights.  I'm going to take naps on the days I don't need to be anywhere.

I'm going to check my cervical mucus everyday.  Not sure when the best time to do that is...Google here I come!  First thing in the morning according to Babycenter.

Drink lots of water, and get out of the house for a good walk everyday barring any rain.  Its supposed to rain all week here.  

 Just did a little reading about macca powder and I might try that as well. 

Mostly, I think I just need to have fun with the Mister!  ;)

Baby Dust to all that need!!

Time for number two?!

So I'm going to put this out there...Mister and I are officially trying to conceive!

I loved being pregnant with the peanut. It's the only time I've ever loved my belly. My grandma gave me a card while I was preggie meggie that said on the outside, "I've never considered myself exactly perfect until now". Or something very similar. There has never been another time I've felt so comfortable in my own skin.  Part of me wants to be pregnant again so bad. But other parts of me are less sure about it. These are my major concerns.

1. I'm overweight. I weigh not ever 10lbs more then I did when I conceived the peanut, but I always told myself I'd loose 50 lbs before we were TTC #2. The last few weeks of my pregnancy with peanut I felt so uncomfortable. Not just regular pregnant uncomfortableness. My belly fat seemed to ALL migrate to under my baby bump. It was kind of cottage cheese like and hard if that makes any sense. I had a hard time covering it up because my belly was so big in general. Peanut was 9lb 8oz at birth.

2. Peanut still wakes up AT LEAST once in the middle of the night. I'm sure lots of people have another baby when the first one wakes more than her but how will I even get any rest?! She is also still nursing. I'm scared to nurse while pregnant. I have been reading some posts from Mama Jorje post about nursing through pregnancy. It's a legitimate fear! You're milk might dry up, nursing will hurt. Do I want to have her wean prematurely, before she is ready? The thought makes me feel guilty. While we are on the topic of feeling guilty...I don't really enjoy night nursing anymore. For the first time ever, I seriously thought about night weaning her last night. She used to nurse for a few minutes on one side and go right back to sleep. Now it's both sides and I'm up for in excess of 30 minutes both times. Sometimes I cringe and become tense when she is doing it because I feel so annoyed. Then when she is asleep the guilt comes.

3. We are nowhere near the goal I set for us. In short, is this a responsible thing to be doing right now? We are in a small bedroom as it is. Our downstairs apartment (if we are lucky) will be partway done when I'm ready to give birth. We haven't even begun to pay off our debts, let alone save anything.

I desperately want to have a home birth for this one, and I'm not sure how we will work that out. Mister is very supportive of the idea, and for that I'm truly grateful. But can we afford it? I'd also like to get adjusted by a chiro for this pregnancy.  All these things cost money.

4. This will change everything. Again. I was so scared the first time around about the drastic changes I know were imminent. In some way that fear is less now. I've already been pregnant, had a newborn, etc. But in other ways it's still there. How will this be for the peanut? Could I love this baby as much as her? What if I like the new one better? I know these are slightly irrational.

5. Pregnancy related "issues"
I had horrible carpel tunnel syndrome with the peanut. Oh. My. Word. It was miserable. I don't want that again! And worse than that? I had a slightly traumatic birth experience (I feel a new post a-brewin') and absolutely had PPD. I think some if the PPD was brought on by having to return to work but it was hard, and really took a toll on my marriage.  Now that the peanut is over 18 months old I am just now feeling like myself again. Am I ready to get on this roller coaster again?

Yes. Despite my hesitation and fears.  I see the world in new ways since I became a mother last June! I know so much more than I did before. I've done research, I've read books. I've talk to many people about age spacing. If I get pregnant this month they will be 28ish months apart. I want my daughter to be a sister. Mister and I want to have them young enough to really enjoy them, and be around and well for grandbabies! Maybe even great-grandbabies.

Most of all I'm glad Mister and I are in agreement that we should start trying. It just feels right, even when it feels scary. And in the words of who ever said it...if you want to have babies until your ready, you'll probably never have them.

Here's to making babies!!